Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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