can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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