i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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