hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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