I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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