Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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