My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
