I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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