Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
