My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Randomize
