I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize