The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
