My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
