Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
