You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
