her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
