just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
