Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
