Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize