Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
