there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
