would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Randomize
