What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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