It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
