she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
