My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
