I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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