She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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