First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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