there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
