I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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