First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
