Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
