just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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