The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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