dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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