Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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