Sober January is a disaster.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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