Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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