so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
