he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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