Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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