shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would fuck him just for his dog
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