my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
