why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You need a sexual gate keeper
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
