She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
