I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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