watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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