i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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