BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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