yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
