Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
