Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
