I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
