and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
