Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
