I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
