Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
