Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
