I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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