A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
