I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
