Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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