Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
